If you tend toward perfectionism (like me), the following guest post, written by debut novelist and Instagram story star* Emma Kress, is a MUST READ. I saw the post in #SQUADGOALS, Kress’s awesome monthly newsletter, and thought it had so many nuggets to help us acknowledge and tame our inner (and outer) perfectionist. It’s too good not to share.
Stubborn Starfish
Let’s talk about perfectionism. Perfectionism isn’t the wink-wink negative trait we used to woo employers back when we first applied for jobs. Perfectionism isn’t an oh-so-cute strength masquerading as a flaw. Nope. It’s an honest-to-goodness evil within that we must hunt and kill on the regular.
I know, I know. I sound dramatic. But perfectionism IS dramatic. Certainly, the voice in my head gets awfully dramatic when it’s yelling at me that I’m not good enough. And, more important, the consequences of that voice can be deeply dramatic.
This recent editorial from the NY Times never names perfectionism but it does talk about America’s obsession with an unhealthy work ethic—one that’s maybe killing us. And I think maybe perfectionism is at the heart of that.
Perfectionism has two modes: work-to-the-bone or duck-and-cover.
Neither are good playmates with creativity.
Perfectionism isn’t something I’ve been able to chop off and leave behind like a good haircut. (I just got my first post-Covid haircut. The relief!) No. Perfectionism is a third limb that I hack away but it keeps growing back like a stubborn starfish. Stupid starfish.
Emma making use of tip #5–Keep Going–as below. Moments before this photo was taken, Emma climbed many, many steps.
And lately, my perfectionism has been manifesting in duck-and-cover paralysis. What do I do when this happens?
1. Name it. “Oh, hey,” I say. “You again.” Now that I know perfectionism has a hold of the megaphone inside my head, well, it’s easier to dismiss. Because perfectionism is a liar.
2. Be self-compassionate. I take a daily routine—showering, toothbrushing, doing dishes—and the whole time I’m doing that routine I heap niceness on myself: Look at you! Washing dishes in a pandemic! You’re a downright superhero! (Revisit my last newsletter for saying nice things in the voice of your BFF.)
3. Step away. Rest. Read. Write silly things that don’t have a deadline or pressure attached. Garden. Make something. Get creative in a way that is all about being messy and imperfect—finger-paint with a toddler. If perfectionism tells you you’re not good enough so you better work yourself into sickness, well, show it you know how to rest. Get some work-life balance going.
4. Focus. The perfectionist paralysis for me often comes when I’m overwhelmed by All The Things I want this work to be and do. So focus. Allow yourself to be perfectionistic about one thing only. With writing that means I’ll focus on dialogue or setting or a minor character. Zero in.
5. Keep going. If perfectionism is all about telling you you’re not good enough so you might as well quit, well, keep going. Even if you’ve got no bounce in your step, your steps are still steps.
6. Virgo it up. I have no scientific basis for this but I’m pretty sure every Virgo is a perfectionist. While I can’t help that, I can use my love of schedules and routines to help fight perfectionism. Schedule the rest, physical exercise, playful writing, focus, and self-compassion.
7. Lean into the joy. What do you love about your work? Do that. Do that like your life depends upon it.
The people I love the most are the messiest. Perfectionism is a lie. Messy is authentic. So snatch that megaphone back from your inner perfectionist, and hand it to your inner BFF. You’ve got this.
You can preorder Emma Kress’s debut YA, Dangerous Play (Macmillan/Roaring Brook Press, August 3, 2021), here, and subscribe to her monthly newsletter about writing, books, and so much more by visiting her website.
*Check out Emma’s recent interview with the equally awesome A.S. King about her latest YA novel, Switch, writing, emotions, and life, right here.
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